Jokes... to bring a smile..

[Shang]

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counsellor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinating' thing I ever heard! I can €™t wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hall-way where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

 

[janna]

ha, ha, ha! Good one.

 

[timuk]

I was blind and now I can see.... or should that be... I could see and now I am blind...

BN... your such a bad boy..

Janna... I got the bike !!!!!!

 

[bullitnut]

In the usa right now 20000 people are shagging.....10000 are kissing.........2000
are getting oral
...........and one sad fuxxer is reading this hang in there mate

 

[Bigmac]

[):h::BNs jokes are killing me.

)(_::

 

[janna]

WELL, I CAN'T BE THE ONLY SAD LOSER. ::}{:

Nice job on the emoticons, BM. They are great - I like them.....keep the search for the best ones going.

*nl this one always reminded me of PB - I miss his contributions on the forum and especially his sense of humor.

 

[bullitnut]

yeah me too, congrats on your centinery post bm ya swine i wanted to get 100 first but hey maybe its because youve got a knack off talking crap lol)(_:nly joking dude nice one ¬b`

 

[bullitnut]

[align=left]A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.[/align]
[align=left]The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.[/align]
[align=left]After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty![/align]
[align=left]One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.[/align]
[align=left]She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."[/align]
[align=left]"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."[/align]

 

[bullitnut]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

 

[janna]

Hey, congrats to both of you ¬b` - you two get the biggest loser award!!!!!

 

[Bigmac]

You`re not far behind.

You leave your loops on when typing.

 

[bullitnut]

Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?

A: One's a Goodyear; the other's a great year

 

[bullitnut]

A lady is throwing a party where each guest shows up as their favorite emotion. A guest arrives dressed in green. "Envy!" she says, and lets him in.

A lady comes dressed in red. She says, "Anger!" and lets her in.

Two naked guys walk up to the front door. One guy is holding a bowl of pudding with his penis stuck in it, and the other guy has his penis in a hollowed-out pear.

"Wait a minute," she says to them. "This is supposed to be an emotion party!"

The first guy says, "Yeah, and I'm f**king dis-custard."

The second guy says, "And I'm deep in dis-pear."

 

[bullitnut]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"


"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

 

[bullitnut]

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."
The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells.
"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"

 

[bullitnut]

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 

[bullitnut]

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.

Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.

Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so.

 

[Bigmac]

 

[Bigmac]

[align=left]The President of Acme Toothbrushes is packing up his files and papers in anticipation of his Friday afternoon round of golf, when suddenly his desk intercom buzzes.[/align]
[align=left]"There's a gentleman here to see you, sir," his secretary says. "He's here for the sales position." [/align]
[align=left]Grumbling unhappily, the President tells the secretary to send the man in. In walks this man who is short, ugly, balding, and speaking with a strange harelip. "I'm here for the job," he says. [/align]
[align=left]"Fine" says the President. "You have a one week trial period. Pick up the toothbrushes outside." With that, he leaves. [/align]
[align=left]One week later, the short man shows up again. "Well?" says the CEO.[/align]
[align=left]"Not so good, sir. I only sold 5 toothbrushes. But give me one more week! I'll do better! I'll be the best damn salesman in your company!"[/align]
[align=left]"Fine. Go and sell them then." [/align]
[align=left]The following week, the short man shows up at the office again and proclaims, "I sold 2,000 toothbrushes!" [/align]
[align=left]"What?! How did you do that?" [/align]
[align=left]"Well, it was quite simple. I went to the airport, you see, and I set up a table for the people coming off the plane. I had a bowl of chips at one end, toothbrushes in the middle and dip at the other end. [/align]
[align=left]They would take a chip, walk past the toothbrushes, and get some dip. I'd ask them, 'How's the dip?' and they'd say, 'It tastes like SHIT!' And I'd say, 'It is! Want to buy a toothbrush?'" [/align]

 

[Bigmac]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."