Jokes... to bring a smile..

[NotGoing2GoBald]

bullitnut wrote:

and one for tim and ngb

I knew there was a reason I logged on tonight...
Trivia:

you just gave me something; rhymes w/ 'jew dolls'...
Blue _ _ _ _ _....


[):h::


PS where do you get these moving avatars?

PSS...god, now I REALLY can't go to sleep...thanks BN...I'll just sit here fondling my balding head....'''ss''

 

[NotGoing2GoBald]

A little boy hears strange noises and screams coming from his mother's room...he runs to the room, opens the door to discover his mother bent over the dresser and his father doing her from behind.

young boy runs up to father, tugging on his arm---
"daddy, daddy, what are you doing to mommy?!?"

"well son, you see it feels good for your mommy".

About 20 mins later the father hears strange noises and screams coming from his son's room...he runs to the room, opens the door to discover the boys grandmother bent over the dresser and the boy doing her from behind.

father runs up to son, tugging on his arm---
"son, son, what are you doing to grandma!?!"

"it doesn't feel so good when it's YOUR mommy does it!"...

 

[Bigmac]

Hi NG

Hows it going.

 

[NotGoing2GoBald]

BAD MOUTH JOHNNY JOKES ...

The teacher of a 3rd grade class is going through the alphabet, letter by letter, asking the students to come up w/a word that begins w/each letter.

Teacher---"Ok class 'a', what word begins w/the letter 'a'?

Bad mouth Johnny imm. raises his hand.

Teacher thinks she can't call on him because he'll come up w/some bad word.

Teacher---"suzy! yes suzy what word begins w/the letter 'a'?'

Suzy- "apple! apple begins w/the letter 'a'".

"very good suzy".

"' ' b', what word begins w/the letter 'b'?"

Bad Mouth Johnny insta raises his hand, but the teacher AGAIN thinks " I can't call on him, hell just come up w/some dirty word".

(she calls on another student)---"yes mark, what word begins w/the letter 'b'?"

"BOY! boy begins w/the letter 'b'"...

All the way through the alphabet she goes like this, and BMJ raises his hand every time w.her refusing to call on him.

Finally, she gets to the letter 'r' and Bad Mouth Johnny raises his hand..she thinks to herself---"he can't possibly come up w/a bad word w/the letter 'r' & I can't keep ignoring him".

"yes Johnny, what word begins w/the letter 'r'?"

Bad Mouth Johnny---"RAT! A big FU$ing rat w/a CO$K this long!!!!"....

 

[NotGoing2GoBald]

An Indian (Native American) turns to his father one day and asks:

"fader, where du indians get der names from?"

the father turns to his son and replies---
"well, you see son whatever the first thing the mother sees when she gives birth to the child becomes his name"

"like Flying Eagle. the moment his mother gave birth to him, she looked up and saw a flying eagle, and said 'from hence forth I shall call you Flying Eagle"

"or like Rising Sun, when he was conceived his mother looked up and saw the rising sun, and said---'from hence forth I shall call you Rising Sun"...

The father then turned to his son and asked---

"Why do you ask Two Dogs Fu$king?"...

 

[timuk]

I checked out the link BigM gave out and found this....

disgusting.... thats all I can say....



Just off to find some more disgusting stuff.... I may be some time

 

[Bigmac]

Lol Tim

See you at the beginning of March.

 

[Bigmac]

Jesus in the bar

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're all staring
at a man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar,
but
not one of them recognise him, and they are getting annoyed.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's
Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him
over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints
slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus
approaches
the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking
him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The
arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
lets
go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had
all
my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on
disability benefit."

 

[Bigmac]

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

 

[janna]

On behalf of us wives everywhere - ha ha HA! ))N_)

 

[bullitnut]

George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"

Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"

 

[bullitnut]

Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?

 

[bullitnut]

difference between men and women



[align=left]1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.[/align]
[align=left]2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.[/align]
[align=left]3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.[/align]
[align=left]4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.[/align]
[align=left]5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.[/align]
[align=left]6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.[/align]
[align=left]7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.[/align]
[align=left]8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.[/align]
[align=left]9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.[/align]
[align=left]10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.[/align]

 

[janna]

Nice one BN. I like your list of the differences between sexes.

 

[Bigmac]

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

 

[Bigmac]

Subject: Essex larfs.......





DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED OR FROM ESSEX

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

'How many children?' asks the council worker.

'10' replies the Essex girl.

'10?' says the council worker. 'What are their names?'

'Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.'

'Doesn't that get confusing?'

'Naah...' says the Essex girl 'its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...'

'What if you want to speak to one individually?' says the perturbed council worker.

'That's easy,' says the Essex girl... 'I just use their surnames.'



An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.

'I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.' she says.

'Come again?' says the clerk, cupping his ear.

'No' she replies. 'This time it's mayonnaise.'



Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says 'Choose from our range on the wall.'

She says 'I'll take the red one.'

The man replies 'That's a fire extinguisher.'



An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: 'It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?'

Girl: 'OK'

Medic: 'What's your name?'

Girl: 'Sharon.'

Medic: 'OK Sharon, is this your car?'

Sharon: 'Yes.'

Medic: 'Where are you bleeding from?'

Sharon: 'Romford, mate.'



An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, 'Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!'

'It's not just one car!' said the Essex girl, 'There's f*cking hundreds of them!'



Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.

Medic: 'OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.'

Sharon: 'Ok.'

Medic: 'How many fingers am I putting up?'

Sharon: 'Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!'



An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, 'Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?'

The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, 'Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot'

'Cor blimey', exclaims the Essex girl, 'So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!'

 

[janna]

The Essex girl with 10 boys is hilarious. ::}{:

 

[Nervousnelly]

::}{: I'm not going to admit to which ones I liked.

NN

 

[timuk]

Essex girls are the best....

After all... they are easily pleased.... takes me back to my youth...

Southend sea front on a Friday and Saturday night... it was amazing what a bag of chips and a lift home in an XR3i could get you....

Good days.......

Timbot

 

[timuk]

Q: What's an Essex Girls form of protection?
A: Bus Shelters

Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board?
A: An ironing boards legs are difficult to part.

Q: How does an Essex girl turn the light off after sex?
A: She closes the car door

Q: Why do Essex Girls wear knickers?
A: To keep their ankles warm

Q: How do you know when an Essex girl's had an orgasm?
A: She drops her bag of chips.

Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and an Essex boy?
A: An Essex girl has a higher sperm count.

Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine?
A: A washing machine doesn't follow you around for weeks after you've dumped your load in it.

Q: What does an Essex girl say after sex?
A: "Do you really all play for the same football team?"