Nervousnelly
The Coolest Member
::}{: We need to gift an Essex girl to NG.
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Bigmac
Administrator
Staff member
A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne.
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room,
but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the
road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a
bill for $450.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is
so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't
worth
$450.00.
When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man
insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the
hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and
Las
Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! the man replies, 'But we
didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up
and agrees to
pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he
says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with
my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room,
but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the
road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a
bill for $450.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is
so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't
worth
$450.00.
When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man
insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
available for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the
hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and
Las
Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions! the man replies, 'But we
didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up
and agrees to
pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he
says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with
my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'
bullitnut
4 awesome repairs with SMG
nice one)(_::
pressies for real men!!
pressies for real men!!
bullitnut
4 awesome repairs with SMG
pressies for real men
bullitnut
4 awesome repairs with SMG
more
bullitnut
4 awesome repairs with SMG
more
bullitnut
4 awesome repairs with SMG
more
bullitnut
4 awesome repairs with SMG
more
bullitnut
4 awesome repairs with SMG
more
bullitnut
4 awesome repairs with SMG
more
bullitnut
4 awesome repairs with SMG
more
bullitnut
4 awesome repairs with SMG
last one
Bigmac
Administrator
Staff member
Where do you do your shopping.
janna
Moderator
Funny BN - nice finds! ::}{:
blueangel
Member
The Labour Party have today changed their Emblem from a Rose
to a condom as it is more accurately reflects their political stance.
A condom allows for Inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of Pr**ks, and gives you sense of security while you are actually
being F**ked.........
)(_:(_:(_:(_:(_::
to a condom as it is more accurately reflects their political stance.
A condom allows for Inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of Pr**ks, and gives you sense of security while you are actually
being F**ked.........
)(_:
(_:(_:(_:(_::
Bigmac
Administrator
Staff member
blueangel wrote:
I must say Sheila i find your wicked sense of humour great.
Great joke and ever so true.
Cheers bm.
The Labour Party have today changed their Emblem from a Rose
to a condom as it is more accurately reflects their political stance.
A condom allows for Inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of Pr**ks, and gives you sense of security while you are actually
being F**ked.........
)(_:
I must say Sheila i find your wicked sense of humour great.
Great joke and ever so true.
Cheers bm.
Bigmac
Administrator
Staff member
A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.
Nahh" said the bloke,
"I'm just a really bad conductor"
What an ending after all that reading.;;D
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.
Nahh" said the bloke,
"I'm just a really bad conductor"
What an ending after all that reading.;;D
janna
Moderator
Yea - where's your poo icon when you really need it?
Bigmac
Administrator
Staff member
Bigmac
Administrator
Staff member
How to Get the Police to Respond Really Quickly
Did you hear about the guy who called the police because he saw some people stealing things out of the shed in his back yard? The police asked him if they were in his house and he said, "No." Then the police said that all units were busy and he should lock his doors. They would send someone as soon as they could.
The guy hung up, waited 30 seconds and called back. "I just called you about the people stealing things out of my shed. Well, don't worry about it, I shot them."
In less than five minutes, police cars screeched into his driveway, sirens blaring, and caught the thieves red-handed.
"I thought you said you shot them," said the officer.
"Thought you said no one was available," he replied.
Life After Death
A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"
"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.
"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"
Support a Family
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Son, can you support a family?"
"Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."
Did you hear about the guy who called the police because he saw some people stealing things out of the shed in his back yard? The police asked him if they were in his house and he said, "No." Then the police said that all units were busy and he should lock his doors. They would send someone as soon as they could.
The guy hung up, waited 30 seconds and called back. "I just called you about the people stealing things out of my shed. Well, don't worry about it, I shot them."
In less than five minutes, police cars screeched into his driveway, sirens blaring, and caught the thieves red-handed.
"I thought you said you shot them," said the officer.
"Thought you said no one was available," he replied.
Life After Death
A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"
"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.
"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"
Support a Family
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Son, can you support a family?"
"Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."
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