Jokes... to bring a smile..

[bullitnut]

CRUDE but funny

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping. "Tell me April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, who was seated behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY" shouted April and the teacher said "Very good" then April fell back asleep.

A little while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our lord and savior?" but April didn't stir. Once again Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST" shouted April. The teacher said "Very good" and April fell asleep once more.

The teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Once again, Johnny stabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR REAR!!".

The teacher fainted.

 

[janna]

bullitnut wrote:

Thats how the fight started:-

These jokes are very funny! Thanks!!!

 

[bullitnut]

Thanks Janna i appreciate it

 

[Bigmac]

Where do you get these from, lol.

 

[bullitnut]

All over BM some i get sent to me and just have to share lol and others i just find whilst browsing the net

 

[bullitnut]

flight mishap



Co-pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take off.

"Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is....."



When suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers:"

Oh my God. OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt....Its burning"



A ghostly Silence reigned!

He gets back on the microphone talking to the passengers:

"I sincerely apologize for the incident but the air hostess just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap...you should see my pants from the front"



A passenger replies,

"Why don't you come here and see Our PANTS FROM BEHIND"

 

[topccat29]

 

[bullitnut]

Love it TC::}{:

 

[bullitnut]

RUDE im sorry.

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get to her apartment and she immediately suggests they do a "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he is inexperienced, she attempts to explain. "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not fully understanding, but not wanting to ruin the moment the guy agrees. The second they get into position she lets loose a RIP-ROARING fart. "WTF was that for?" asks the guy. "Ooooopps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So they get into position again, and once again she lets one loose. The guy gets up and proceeds to get dressed. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy responds "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're bloody crazy!"

 

[Bigmac]

Class that is.

 

[bullitnut]

A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half'.

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, Hey, Bob, do me a favor: follow him and see where he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, So, where does he go when he leaves?

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....

Your house.

 

[bullitnut]

Viagra now available in powder to put in tea, does nothing for erections but stops your biscuit from going soft

 

[bullitnut]

HOW TO INSTALL A REDNECK SECURITY SYSTEM.

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.


2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazines.


3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.


4. Leave a note on your door that reads:



Bubba,

Me and Marcel, Virgil, Erra, T-Bone and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and a gallon of sweet tea. Be Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Any way, I locked all four of 'em in the house.


Better wait outside. Be right back.


Cooter

 

[bullitnut]

After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice

The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.

The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.

The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".

"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."

 

[bullitnut]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle ..

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bottom.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours''

'I really don't remember much after that'

 

[bullitnut]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!'

 

[bullitnut]

This isn't a joke it's an actual review of some sweets sold on Amazon but it made me laugh so i thought i would post it on here for you guys.

Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.

Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.

 

[bullitnut]

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and

told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at

the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our

jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL

3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

'From now on

when I say BELL 1'

I want you to strip naked.

When I say BELL 2

I want you to

jump in bed.

And when I say

BELL 3

We are going to make love all night..

' The next night he came home from work and yelled

' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled 'BELL 2!',

the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled 'BELL 3!',

they began making love.

After a few minutes the

wife yelled 'BELL 4!'

'What the hell is BELL 4?'

asked the husband?

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,'

she replied

'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

 

[janna]

HA! I don't eat Gummy Bears because they do cause a lot of rumbling in my stomach but thankfully nowhere near what's described above. What a nightmare!! Hope they're off the market!! >C>::

 

[bullitnut]

Ha ha they do cause rumbling in my stomach too. I have relatives who used to work for Haribo and its not too far from where i live.